Corporate Radar Science Now

Wet Protesters Riot Against Auto-Flush Toilet Sensors

Public Toilets on the Blink Dampen the Mood

An ever growing group of citizens are joining forces to take aim at the corporate toilet lobby over allegedly hazardous auto flush technology.  Many people attest that they have been unexpectedly wetted by waste water mixed with fecal matter.

Woman suffering from PTSD (Poop Transfer Surprise Disorder) after being violated.

Protesters are demanding that solutions to this nasty problem be implemented immediately. Angry rejectionists are protesting the auto sensors by leaving wet seats un-wiped and, in some severe cases, seat covers un-flushed. Law enforcement officials are at a loss for how to regulate the attacks. Many food industry and gas station employees on janitorial duty have been shocked and dismayed, following an ambush. Statistics show that severe cases of Entamaphobia, the fear of opening doors, is on the rise.

If you get any closer, I WILL shoot!

“We need common sense solutions,” declares outspoken protest organizer, Anita Nupants of San Antonio, Texas. “Unpredictable flush sensors have been ruining our date nights for far too long!”

Corporate toilet conglomerates are beginning to recognize the urges of the public. The CEO at Flushworx International Corporation LLC, I.C. Butts, made this statement at a recent plumbing conference. “We understand that people are angry. Our lavatory laboratory is doing everything in it’s capacity to streamline any technology that may be considered amiss.”

Enjoying a steamy romance.

“He’s so full of it,” retorts Nupants. “I.C. Butts and his ragtag group of corporate thugs have done squat about this issue!”

Tech minded members of the protest movement have offered ideas for how to address the issue of unintended toilet sensor activation with solutions such as splash proof antimicrobial inner-lid auto shields or moving the flushing sensor to the attached stall door.

The hope for a dryer future in public restrooms.

“It’s very simple,” states Justina Jiff of Smarty Pants Labs. “By rerouting the auto flush sensor to the door latch of the stall, you ensure a clean bowl every time. The sensor alerts when the door is latched and it triggers when the latch is opened. As long as users of the system are reminded to scoot any moist seat covers or toilet tissue into the bowl before exiting the stall, this design should be incredibly effective. Now, if we could solve the issue of women hovering whilst peeing in multiple directions, we’d be on easy street!”

A prototype for the Smarty Pants Labs Latch Sensor is currently in production and will be deposited at Flushworx International’s processing facility in the coming days.

It is unclear what I.C. Butts and the Flushworx team will fling back.

You may also like

Corporate Radar Science Now

Real Life Drive-Thru Experience Nailed With ‘McApathy’ Robot

post-image

Real Life Drive-Thru Experience Nailed With ‘McApathy’ Robot

HAMBURGLARVILLE--Fast-food companies are replacing their employees with robots. But, don’t worry – they’re programmed to provide the same level of crappy service you’re comfortable with when ordering your triple cheeseburger meal with cheese fries and a side of cheese sauce. McDonald’s fiercest competitor, McDarla’s, has already started doing this, focusing on the key ingredient of every successful chain—consistency. It won’t matter where you are, from Seattle to New York, order a number one and their robots will always give you number two.

Robots will intentionally forgot to include napkins or straws inside of your to-go orders so that the experience is authentic. (Source: Robotics and Automation News)

According to McDarla’s Chief Technology Officer, Bit Koyne, the new robots are named ‘McApathy’, and each…

Read More
Corporate Radar Science Now

Wet Protesters Riot Against Auto-Flush Toilet Sensors

post-image

Public Toilets on the Blink Dampen the Mood

An ever growing group of citizens are joining forces to take aim at the corporate toilet lobby over allegedly hazardous auto flush technology.  Many people attest that they have been unexpectedly wetted by waste water mixed with fecal matter.

Woman suffering from PTSD (Poop Transfer Surprise Disorder) after being violated.

Protesters are demanding that solutions to this nasty problem be implemented immediately. Angry rejectionists are protesting the auto sensors by leaving wet seats un-wiped and, in some severe cases, seat covers un-flushed. Law enforcement officials are at a loss for how to regulate the attacks. Many food industry and gas station employees on janitorial duty have been shocked and dismayed, following an ambush. Statistics show that severe cases of Entamaphobia, the fear…

Read More
Editor

Comedy is the Most Effective News Format for Millennials

post-image

Editor’s Note: This was originally an academic paper I wrote in APA style for a class during my studies in Strategic Communications. However, it holds weight for why comedy should be taken very seriously when it comes to delivering news topics to younger generations effectively.

What is the Most Effective News Format for Millennials?

            A meme pops up in your Facebook feed.  It makes a bold claim about a presidential candidate that seems questionable.  You make your way to YouTube and a comedian cracks jokes about an opposing candidate on a satirical news show.  Are these reliable sources of information?  Is our youth a victim of “fake news”?  Growing technology use is an inevitable part of modern society.  Amidst this fact, the common spread of misinformation across the internet has caused public concern among older generations (Brandon, 2019).  The assumption that Millennials are misinformed about today’s affairs…

Read More
Corporate Radar Political Wake Up

Political Fact-Checkers Fear Unemployment After 2020

post-image

With the emergence of Donald Trump into the political field and subsequent Presidency, a little know profession saw a surge; not only in need, but in recognition.  Political Fact Checkers were once the under-dogs, hidden behind the scenes, in basements, garages, and outhouses.  Their work was rarely quoted, and they were rarely given a bi-line.

However, once Donald Trump popped onto the scene with his over 10,000 lies, Political Fact Checkers became heroes.   They began to receive bi-lines, guest spots on news programs, and even their own offices.

So much cozier than mom’s basement!

Now as we face the 2020 elections, PFC’s are beginning to fear for their jobs.  According to a spokes-person for the Keep Us Great Fact Checkers Association (KUGFCA) a growing concern for their jobs arose after fact checking the first Democratic Political Debate. …

Read More
Science Now

How to Cure Constipation While Reaching Enlightment

post-image

Ayahuasca A Psychedelic Laxative

Every year, thousands of people travel to the Peruvian Amazon to take part in an incredible ritual. Often by firelight, Shamanic Spirit Guides offer a mental and emotional release by way of Ayahuasca. At some point in ancient human history, someone discovered that adding an MAOI inhibitor to Dimethyltryptamine (DMT), would make the user trip balls. That must have been an amazing day in the jungle. Image the surprise!

People often seek out Ayahuasca to purge or overcome mental anguish from previous trauma.  Scientific brain scans have shown that this therapy significantly decreases activity in the areas of the brain associated with trauma (AsapSCIENCE). There is also a less discussed side effect of Ayahuasca use, it makes you poop your pants. 

It all finally makes sense.
Political Wake Up

Trump Administration Gets Dirty At The G20

post-image

After days of criticism regarding the Trump Administrations “Zero Tolerance” policy towards migrants and the treatment of children in custody; the Administration has decided to take un-precedented steps in what they are calling a “show of solidarity” for these children.

In what she is calling her “final” press conference (we can only hope) Sarah Huckabee Sanders told a crowd of baffled reporters that the Trump Administration has decide not to shower or brush their teeth until all the children in DHS custody are able to shower themselves.  Sanders reported that even though the President is at the G-20 summit he is committed to this new policy and will refrain from any personal hygiene during his trip.

Forbidden
Forbidden

Speaking to the press upon his arrival at the g20 summit President Trump explained that after speaking with his…

Read More