Who is This Anomaly?
FLORIDA MAN — Florida is notorious for producing newsworthy headlines about odd crimes being committed day-to-day. An example of this would be the Miami Cannibal Attack in which a Florida man of the Evangelical Baptist Faith, Rudy Eugene, rain through Miami street naked, while high on the drug synthetic cathinone (known for its street name “bath salts”), before biting a sleeping homeless man’s face. These types of incidents are a Florida norm for locals of the sunshine state.
However, we have discovered an anomaly.
Yesterday, a different Florida man made it through an entire day without injuring himself, creating a reckless disaster, or committing any crime. In an unexpected string of events, Florida resident, Evan King, woke up at a reasonable hour, got ready for work, dropped his kids off at school, worked an entire day, made it home, BBQ’d, and went to bed without killing anyone “on accident” or otherwise wreaking havoc on his community.
“Living in Florida, you expect that you’ll eventually end up in the news for doing something idiotic,” said King when asked about his uneventful day. “I thought it was my time for sure when I lit up that BBQ. I guess there’s something to be said for just following the manufacturer’s instructions.”
His Wife Is Still Adjusting
King’s wife expressed surprise that King was able to stop at a convenience store on his way home without shooting at or being shot at by the clerk or any of the other patrons. “Sometimes you just get lucky,” she said. Neither King nor his wife was charged with domestic violence yesterday, either.
Despite not being arrested for doing something stupid while high, King says he’ll continue to not smoke meth. “I don’t want to push it,” he said, “I’m just gonna live each day as if it could end in a mugshot.”